“True friends are the ones with whom you shared a sandbox.”
This is a Swiss saying, and it summarizes how the Swiss feel about friendships in general.
Friends are the people they grow up with. This is the general Swiss view.
They view foreigners’ concepts of friendship (particularly, Americans) as superficial.
They may also view certain areas of discussion with friends or social groups as taboo.
In fact, many expats give up and stick to themselves.
But before throwing in the towel when it comes to cross-cultural friendships, learn the rules.
You might find it’s easier to make friends when you know what the local concept of friendship is to begin with.
Local Concept of Friendship
The definition of true friendship differs across cultures, as does what is considered acceptable in social settings.
Simply put, to make friends according to local standards, you must know what friendship means to that culture.
The rules of forming a friendship in another culture are three-pronged.
They involve knowing the:
- Approach to Human Interaction
- Socially Acceptable Discussion Topics
- Pace by which Relationships are Expected to Progress
Let’s take a look at each of these in turn.
One culture’s approach to human interaction – i.e., tone and delivery – may be very different than that of another culture.
The way in which we speak to each other – whether politely or jokingly – might be considered too uptight in one culture or too abrasive and disrespectful in another.
Knowing the tone and approach to communication that is culturally expected at different stages of a budding friendship can help you in forming cross-cultural friendships.
What can you talk about? What is off-limits?
While you might come from an open culture, some cultures are much more generally private than others.
They might see sharing private thoughts and feelings as oversharing, particularly if the relationship is new.
While talking about the weather might sound boring, being too intrusive or intimate in another culture upon first approach is a surefire way to be friendless.
As with any developing relationship, there are typical steps to increasing intimacy in friendship and communication, no matter which culture.
Beginning with the basic level of personal communication, greetings are socially acceptable (and expected) to form common bonds during the initial stages of communication.
Next, you might engage in small talk about the workplace (if this is a situation in which you work together) and then non-work-related small talk.
If the relationship progresses, factual personal information might come next: sharing where you live, what you like to do in your down-time, etc.
As you move into true “friendship” territory, more intimate communication will be shared. Whether that’s a sharing of feelings, fears, dreams, the meaning of life, etc.
While most friendships develop along this curve, the pacing across cultures often differs.
For instance, you might move through all four stages within one plane ride. Or it could take you a year to reach this point.
If both participants are from the same culture, their pacing often aligns. They feel completely fine and comfortable becoming “fast friends” on a redeye.
If the participant is from a different culture, they might be uncomfortable with the pacing.
They might feel their boundaries are being intruded upon too quickly, and this invasion of privacy will be turn them off to friendship.
All cultures have different expectations of how and when to progress and intensify communication toward friendship. We’ll talk more about these rules next week.